I was talking with a mother recently about child training. I was sharing with her some of the struggles we've had to deal with concerning our eldest. I mentioned that spankings weren't the worst kind of discipline for her and we had to try alternatives, too. She looked at me a little confused and asked, "What discipline could be worse than spanking?" I know that among Christians, spanking is often considered the ultimate discipline. However, I think it is important that we be discerning towards our children and what really affects them most. For Katrina she would not always respond to a spanking (and believe me it wasn't because I was a weakling or softy either!). I realized for her that separation from me or taking away a special toy or blanket was much more effective at times. Not always, but at times when I couldn't seem to break through with her. Once I had spent a lot of time dealing with her with prayer and the conventional form of disciplines. Finally after there had been no sense of remorse or contrition I told her she must stay in the room until she was ready to apologize and obey me completely. Simple and yet very effective. I would consider this a much milder form of discipline for most kids, but I realized that for her this was worse! She didn't last 5 minutes and broke down in a pitiful (and genuine), "I'm sorry, Mommy." It broke my heart that we had to go through all that, but we had a very special bonding time afterward.
So, as mothers we need to know what is most effective at causing our children to quickly break their will and obey us. Obviously spanking is generally the most effective course in most instances, but you may have an unusual child on your hands who will respond better with other types, too. It is so important that we know each of our children individually and have close relationships with them.
I'm happy to say that the lady I was sharing this with went home and tried a different approach with her daughter and noticed positive results! :) God's given us many, many avenues to use to train our children so let us not be one-tracked about the forms of discipline we use.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
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5 comments:
I was just researching this topic in the bible. There is a lot in Psalms and Proverbs about the "rod of discipline". However, a lot of moms that I meet at PCC (who are going back to school) say that spankings don't always work with their children. My mom tried different methods of discipline on us, but the main one she used was spanking. It was effective for awhile but two things I don't want to do (if I ever have kids) is: spank them when they are too old, and spank them when I am mad. I have experienced both, and neither are very pleasant. :(
Your right, Karen, it's so important to know your child! And not expect each of them to respond the same way to the same thing.
You didn't mention how old Katrina was at the time you mentioned, but my (granted, limited) experience is that in general, spanking gradually loses it's effectiveness as a child gets older. By the time Sofi was about four or five we started having to find other ways of dealing with issues. And now, at seven, spanking is only very rarely an effective method of training for her.
Funny but true story... one of our biggest areas of discipline with both our children has always been whining. When Sofi was four and we went through a period of dealing with whining I first began to realize that spanking was no longer having a positive effect. So through trail and error I came up with The Whiny Pants. Sofi has always been a "dresses" girl, preferring skirts to pants in almost every circumstance. So I found a pair of (what were actually quite cute) corduroy slacks that become The Whiny Pants. Any time she got into a whiny mood, she had to wear The Whiny Pants until she was ready to repent and have a cheerful heart. It worked like a charm! It was also a great way to give her an object lesson on why whining is bad. I told her that just as the pants were "ugly" (according to her) on the outside, a whiny heart is ugly on the inside.
Lisi: Wow. I LOVE the Whiney Pants!!!! Quite literally.... Such an object lesson.
Katrina loves being girly too in that way, and I could just see the effectiveness of something like that. (Karen, I'm not saying you should do this, I just mean, I don't know Sofi, but I know Katrina, so I could see how this would work in a little girl). I'll never forget shopping with her and she wanted to find "pretty dresses." We went to Old Navy to see if they had deals, and then somewhere like Gymboree, and Katrina was like, "Where are all the preeeeety dresses???" Then we went to Sears and her heart was happy again!!!
Anyway, thank you for sharing, Karen and Lisi.
Catherine: Jonathan & I have both discusses these exact things. No disciplining in anger (more important for a mother, since we seem to be more emotional) and not spanking when the child is too old! Bingo. It's good to know that's important to you as well.
Catherine,
I totally agree with you that spanking in anger and when the children are older. Sadly, I have been guilty at times of spanking in anger, but I find it helps if I acknowledge my sin in stead of brush it off as a "mistake" and share it with Seth, apologize to the children and pray the Lord's forgiveness and grace for future times of discipline.
Lisi,
Yes, Katrina was four when we realized spanking wasn't nearly as effective as it had been. I totally LOVE the whiny pants idea! You have to share more of your tips on child training, PLEASE!
Denise,
Oh, you're so right! Katrina would respond super quickly to something like the whiny pants! Isn't it clever. I so remember that time we were shopping, too. I just took the girls out today to look for clothes. Katrina was so excited about all the Christmas dresses on display. She even got to go into a dressing room all by herself and try one on! It was precious.
Thank you Herb of Grace for the whiny pants idea. My Hannah is also a very "dresses" girl. In fact, she cries in the morning if she doesn't have a dress to wear. I will try this idea out starting tomorrow morning.
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